What to do if a child is bullied by his peers? What to do if a child bullies other children? Solution from a psychologist How to talk to the parents of a child who offends.

School is the first institution in the life of every person. Whether a student is bullied and how comfortable and confident he feels directly determines his further development, creative abilities, desire to learn and reach new heights.

School and the consequences of insults

It's hard to concentrate in class if you're the target of ridicule from your classmates. And if the grievances are of a more serious nature, the consequences are likely to be disastrous and will be expressed in a lack of willpower, inability to make decisions, the development of complexes, mistrust, or, on the contrary, embitterment.

How can you understand that a student is being bullied or teased if he is silent?

Signs may be:

The child refuses to go to school, looks for any excuse to stay at home, and academic performance declines.
The baby is upset and depressed on weekdays, but is in a good mood on weekends.
External signs - beatings, damaged things or their absence.
Complaints of headache or abdominal pain (possibly these are signs of psychological problems).

How to choose an outcast

Most people believe that bullying is caused by external or social differences from the majority. In fact, anyone can become an object of ridicule. One wrong move or a secret spread throughout the classroom ruins one's reputation. Neither different incomes nor differences in appearance determine bullying. Family relationships are much more important. If your offspring is calm and firm, as a rule, the cruel jokes will quickly stop.

Who is most likely to be attacked?

"victims"- doubtful, confused, apathetic. They do not fight back when insulted.
"aggressors"- often attack others themselves and give too violent a reaction to provocations.
children from disadvantaged families- sloppy, late for class, poorly dressed.

In order for the baby to feel good in any society, cultivate in him an inner core, dignity and self-confidence.

For more information about children who are often offended, watch the video of clinical psychologist Veronica Stepanova - get valuable recommendations for parents.

Parents' mistakes or how NOT to react

Leave him alone, giving him the opportunity to deal with the problem on his own. Your child is probably not ready for this situation; it is advisable to teach him to fight back correctly.
Transfer him to another educational institution or class. There are times when it is necessary to react quickly and save a child. In this case, transfer is possible, but there is no guarantee that everything will not happen again in the new place. It will be difficult for a student to adapt to a new team because... in the previous one he had already been defeated. And in the old one, one victim will be replaced by another.
Take conflict resolution completely into your own hands. Find out relationships with enemies, their parents, teachers. Firstly, you can do even more harm and provoke an increase in aggression not only from the guys, but also from the mentors. Secondly, you should not take any action without discussing it with the student.

Listen to his feelings, trust and respect his opinion.

What to do or emergency help

Can help:

1. Confidential heart-to-heart conversation

Let him ask the question "why me?" - so you will find out what he did to the attacking side, if nothing, then the reason is not in him. The son or daughter is not to blame for this situation.

2. The child is subjected to group persecution in only one place (educational institution, section)

Find out if he needs help. Offer your options for solving the problem. The role of dad and mom is great; emotional support is required from them: outside of an aggressive society, he must be understood, accepted, needed.
Offer to organize a children's party in order to try on, and perhaps make friends with children.
Sign up for a section, preferably a sports section. He will find like-minded people there and feel stronger. In general, anything that distracts a schoolchild - a hobby or an idol - will give him the opportunity to abstract himself, get distracted and recover morally.
Help to understand the conflict, analyze your behavior and offenders. Perhaps he himself is a provocateur. Don't put pressure on him, explain how he should behave.
Convey that appearance has nothing to do with it, this will protect him from the development of complexes. He must know that we love him as he is, with glasses, fat or with a scar on his face.
The reason most often lies in the offenders. As a rule, the weak are bullied by those who want to assert themselves and drown out their own complexes. Explain to your offspring that those who do this feel inferior and weak. All that is worth feeling for them is pity, because... they haven't found a better way to deal with their fears. This attitude can become a defense: “You want to offend me because you are afraid.” Usually, when the most painful thing is touched, the desire to attack disappears.
Sometimes ignoring it helps; if there is no reaction, tears or hysterics, the offenders quickly get tired of the victim. For example, if they took away a notebook, you can say: “If you get tired of playing with it, you’ll return it.” Soon it will be thrown onto the next desk.
You should not show your tears to your classmates. Crying is good to relieve stress, but not to show weakness to your tormentors. There is no moral satisfaction if the victim does not suffer.
Contact your school. The class teacher or head teacher should organize a class hour, the topic of which will be “child cruelty, group persecution.” For clarity, it is better to show a film on the topic (scarecrow) or a cartoon (ugly duckling). The main thing is not to point directly at the offenders. Otherwise, they will close and take a defensive position (What does this have to do with me? He started first, etc.)

After showing the film, it is valuable to point out the basic values, the comicality and ugliness of the persecutors.

The mentor explains how vile and dangerous what is happening is. Often children do not realize the extent of the damage they cause to the injured party.

Of course, the quality of the class hour depends on the professionalism of the teacher. Discuss the course of the lesson with the teacher in advance.

If you cannot find contact with the teacher, you should contact the school principal, and in the event of physical violence, do not delay in contacting law enforcement agencies.

3. When a child is a victim in any society (street, camp)

You should contact a family psychologist to figure out why he attracts aggression. In the case where the educational institution has a firm position, clear rules that you cannot insult or attack others, and teachers do not show aggression or humiliate students, then any children, even those with pronounced disabilities, will be accepted. The society will develop better qualities - kindness, tolerance and compassion.

The teacher needs to carry out activities, identify hidden bullying (aggressive persecution of one of the team members), and not hush up the problem. Bullying occurs not only because of aggressive children, but also because of insensitive, inattentive adults. Insensitive to the problem, they do not interfere, explaining that the boy is “his own fault,” “can’t stand up for himself,” “strange,” etc. Teachers need to be educated on how to deal with violence. The right way is complex, influencing the entire group. Working with one aggressor or only with the victim may not produce results.

The duty of the class teacher is to constantly monitor the atmosphere in the group. If after the meetings the children agree that they do not want to live in a group where someone is being bullied, this is the beginning of the recovery of the team. It will be good to interest students in working together and teach them to show themselves without using force.

A selfless exchange of experience, previously unknown knowledge and achievements, as well as unusual games will help). “What I learned over the summer” is an activity that will help everyone show their best qualities and demonstrate their strengths. This can reduce the dominance of some children over others.

Developing inner strength or raising successful offspring:

Express your admiration even if your child is not successful. Let your child not be afraid to start something, because he will know that you appreciate the efforts made.
Excessive attention and care prevent your child from taking responsibility into his own hands.
Don't expect too much. Especially if expectations do not correspond to his age. Everything has its time, let him make his own choice.
Let me ask questions. Curiosity is a good exercise for development.
Don't get angry or criticize. Of course, say if he did something bad, but it is better to support him and offer options for action.
Don't be too strict. Of course, parents should have authority, but don’t go too far and don’t be overly demanding.
Teach persistence. Explain that victories do not come immediately, and you should not give up.

If a child is offended: how to protect a child from peer harassment and teach him to defend himself

It doesn’t matter what our child is upset about - a toy was taken away from him, a peer was paired up with him, he is not accepted into the game, a friend didn’t invite him to his birthday, a friend broke his nose, classmates tease him... The child experiences any of these incidents painfully, he needs our support and advice. Why did our peers dislike our child? How should parents behave in this situation? How to prevent disappointment and pain for your dearest person?Should we teach our child to fight back or defend him ourselves?

When bringing a child to a children's group (in the yard, in kindergarten, in a circle), parents should be prepared for the fact that their child may be offended by peers. Conflicts with others are inevitable; it is by entering into conflicts that a child learns to find compromises and defend his position. But there are situations that quite rightly cause anxiety among parents. For example, if a child fails to establish relationships with peers or if the majority of children in a given group (in the yard, in the classroom) have turned against him.

Who gets bullied the most?

In some cases, parents can expect in advance that their child will have difficulty establishing relationships with peers. The reason for hostility may be the child’s appearance, character traits, or behavior.

If a child is taller or shorter than everyone else, fatter or too thin compared to his peers, has red hair, wears glasses - all this can become a reason for name-calling. By the way, children with more serious problems (visible scars, squint, limping, stuttering, etc.) are usually less likely to become targets of attacks from their peers. Thanks to the attitude of adults, such children are treated with care; in extreme cases, they will be avoided.

Untidy or unusual clothing can also cause ridicule. It makes a repulsive impression on peers if a child picks his nose, forgets to wipe it on time (constantly sniffles), is unkempt, eats sloppily (for example, slurps), is sloppy (pants and shirts always unbuttoned, untied shoelaces, hands and face stained with chalk and ink). ).

Easy prey for those who like to make fun of them are touchy children who succumb to provocations from their peers, begin to roar or rush at the offenders with fists because of any remark or joke. Such behavior only provokes peers. The object of ridicule can be a crybaby, a gloomy, shy, insecure, quiet and weak child who does not know how to stand up for himself. They don't like sneaks and whiners. It gives special pleasure to bring an overly impressionable child to tears - by intimidating him with various tales or threatening him with violence.

A child who is overprotected by adults causes hostility. All children strive to demonstrate their autonomy and independence, so a child who is accompanied everywhere by a nanny, or who does not know how to quickly change clothes, will inevitably be laughed at. The “favorite” of educators and teachers becomes an outcast among his peers, because the children do not understand why he is better than them. By mocking him, the children restore “justice” and get rid of their grievances against the teacher.

A child who is lazy, unsuccessful in his studies, and constantly receives criticism from teachers also does not arouse sympathy among his peers. Numerous psychological studies have proven that 6-7 year old children do not like those peers whom the teacher does not like. Naturally, anyone who interferes in class causes irritation. And vice versa, they may dislike a child who is diligent and absorbed in his studies, deciding that in this way he is trying to stand out and win the favor of adults.

Unfortunately, they will also bully a child who has problems with the fulfillment of natural needs (if he suffers from urinary or fecal incontinence due to excitement or illness).

However, not every bespectacled, slob or quiet person arouses universal dislike and becomes the object of bullying. Conflicts with peers can arise not only “through the fault” of the child himself. Perhaps the child was simply unlucky - among the children around him there were two or three ringleaders who amuse themselves or assert themselves by offending their quieter and more unrequited comrades. Adults (parents of participants in the conflict, educators and teachers) are undoubtedly to blame for what is happening. It is indifference and connivance that allow the situation to get out of control and develop into a serious problem - fights, harassment, bullying.

Be carefull

Unfortunately, the older the child becomes, the more difficult it is for parents to influence the situation in the team. However, it is parents who can notice before educators and teachers that the child is uncomfortable in a group, that he does not have good relationships with his peers. In this case, it is necessary to take immediate action - it is better to go and talk about the disturbing symptoms with the teacher or class teacher in order to dispel doubts, than to allow the conflict to go too far.

Not all children can and want to tell their parents about their problems, and the older the child, the less likely it is that he will complain to his parents about what is happening. If he doesn’t say anything himself, you should watch him.

First of all, you need to go to kindergarten, school, talk with educators or teachers about your child’s relationships with peers. Pay attention to how the child behaves after classes, at holidays, in the locker room: does he show initiative in communication, with whom does he communicate, who communicates with him, etc. You can turn to a psychologist for help (nowadays they are available in many kindergartens and schools), which makes it easier for them to monitor children.

Peers can poison a child’s life in a variety of ways. Conventionally, four types of peer hostility can be distinguished:

1. Bullying (they don’t allow passage, they call you names, they push you, take things away, beat you, intimidate you).

2. Active rejection (in response to an offer to communicate or to any initiative of the child, they show him their contempt, make it clear that he is a nobody, that his opinion does not mean anything, they make him a scapegoat).

3. Passive rejection, which arises only in certain situations (when you need to choose someone for a team, accept them into a game, sit at a desk, children refuse: “I won’t go with him!”)

4. Ignoring (they simply don’t pay attention, don’t communicate, don’t notice, forget about him, have nothing against him personally, but they are not interested in him).

The most difficult to overcome are the first two types of relationships (bullying and active rejection) - the situation develops so traumatic for the child that sometimes the only acceptable solution is to transfer him to another kindergarten (school). A child can be harassed by peers in any children's group and in any age. The most “dangerous” age in this regard is from 9 to 13 years. However, a 5-7 year old child can also become a victim of persecution (for example, in a kindergarten or in the yard). Such situations need to be monitored and nipped in the bud.

Parents should be alerted to any change in the child’s behavior - this means something is happening in his life. If a child behaves unusually (for example, he has become secretive and thoughtful), perhaps he just fell in love, but maybe this is a reaction to harassment from peers. It's always better to be vigilant. But you need to act tactfully.

Parents should be wary if their child:

─ reluctantly goes to the garden (to school, to classes in a section or studio) and is very glad of any opportunity not to go there;

─ returns from class depressed;

─ often cries for no apparent reason;

─ never mentions any of the peers with whom he spends a lot of time (in the garden, in classes, at school);

─ talks very little about what happens in kindergarten (school);

─ suddenly and (as it seems) for no reason at all refuses to go to the garden (to classes, to school);

─ if a student does not know who to call to find out lessons, or refuses to call anyone at all;

─ if everyone in the class (group) has become friends, and your child is lonely: no one invites him to visit, to birthday parties, and he does not want to invite anyone to his place.

It's time to sound the alarm:

- if you find bruises and scratches on the child’s body, the origin of which he cannot clearly explain (he says he fell, gets confused in his explanations);

- if a child’s things begin to disappear (toys, pencils, pens), and he says that he has lost them;

- if a child who is always neat begins to frequently tear notebooks and books, break rulers and pens;

- if it suddenly turns out that the child gave his favorite flashlight to Petka, unknown to you (“he’s my friend, you don’t know him”);

- if the child begins to “lose” pocket money or unexpectedly asks you to give him more than usual.

All this can be the result of blackmail and intimidation.

React urgently if the situation has gone too far, for example, a child is constantly humiliated or beaten. First of all, protect your child from communicating with offenders. Dealing with offenders is not the most important thing (although you shouldn’t leave them unpunished - they will choose a new victim for themselves). It is important to help the child survive the mental trauma received, so most likely he will have to change his environment and re-learn not to be afraid of his peers and to trust them.

How to protect your child

Parents try in different ways to protect their children from attacks from peers. Some try to prepare the child for life in a team by developing him physically, teaching him to be independent and self-reliant, others personally come to the defense of their child. Unfortunately, all of the methods listed below usually complicate, rather than simplify, a child’s life.

Develop physically. Often parents send their child to learn some kind of wrestling, hoping that this will help him not to be offended. Knowing martial arts techniques really boosts a child's self-confidence. But good physical fitness does not guarantee that a child will be able to establish relationships with peers. Some children begin to use it for other purposes, practice techniques on their peers, trying to gain popularity by force. And then the potential victim herself turns into a pursuer. In other cases, a physically strong child turns out to be unable to withstand moral violence - he is teased, provoked into a fight, and as a result, he is the one to blame.

Encourage independence. Some parents believe that if they give their child the opportunity to deal with his own problems, he will learn to build relationships with peers more effectively. Indeed, in some cases, it is useful for a child to experience all stages of conflict with peers - this will help him learn to solve many problems on his own. But it is important not to overdo it and not to miss a situation that the child is not able to cope with without adult intervention. If a child is not just teased by two or three classmates, but is regularly harassed by the whole class (they make fun of him, hide or damage his things, intimidate him, push him, beat him), he will not be able to cope without the help of adults.

Protect the child yourself. When a child comes home with a broken lip and sobbingly talks about the insult, it is rare that a parent does not feel the desire to go and personally punish the child’s offenders. Most often, such actions do not help, but harm the child. The child's persecutors become more careful and sophisticated in their bullying, threatening violence if the victim complains to anyone again. And the parents of the offender also do not remain in debt. Sometimes you have to watch very ugly scenes when the parents of the offender and the victim shout, insulting each other in front of the children. Naturally, such an example of “resolving” conflicts is not useful for children. And we won’t protect the child until old age.

As a psychologist and as a mother, I am convinced that a child must be taught to defend himself. By the word protect, I mean not only and not so much physical strength and the ability to fight. The child must make it clear to others that he must be taken into account.

Force yourself to respect

“I teach my son to feel independent from anyone. I don’t want him to grow up as a conformist and I don’t encourage him to strive to be like the others,” the mother of six-year-old Osya decisively declares, who begins to cry because of any remark from a teacher or classmate. Many of these comments are provoked by the mother herself. She doesn’t understand why it’s impossible to make green squares for the math lesson instead of the required blue ones, or why Osya flatly refuses to go to rhythm class in such beautiful red Czech shoes, demanding to buy him black ones, “like all the kids.” Failure to observe such “little things” from the point of view of an adult dooms the child to constant comments from teachers and ridicule from classmates. Thanks to her age, character and life experience, Aspen’s mother is ready to oppose herself to the majority without experiencing discomfort. But her six-year-old son, prone to neuroses, needs emotional comfort, which is why it is so important for him not to stand out among his peers and to draw less attention to himself.

There are children who, from birth, declare themselves to be independent and self-sufficient individuals. In any situation (even funny or ridiculous, in the opinion of others), they behave naturally and with dignity. It would never even occur to anyone to laugh at them or make comments to them. This sense of self is associated with character traits. Most children learn to value their individuality gradually as they grow older. You cannot make a child feel independent from the opinions of others. Only by feeling “like the rest,” that is, no worse than others, does the child acquire the confidence he needs so much. And I’m ready to move on to the next stage of personal development - the desire to emphasize my individuality. And this, according to the famous American psychologist Edda Le Shan, is the most important thing for establishing friendly relations with peers. In her book When Kids Drive Each Other Crazy, she says to children: “The more you love and respect yourself as a unique, special, and good person, the less you will drive other children crazy, and the less others will drive you crazy.” they will be able to get you there.”

Protect yourself

The husband returned from a walk upset: “Can you imagine, the boy hits him with a shovel, and he smiles. Our son is a jerk, he can’t stand up for himself!” The eleven-month-old son preferred to leave the offender rather than move him; he was very upset when other children took his toys, but did not try to take them away, waved his hand and walked away offended. As he grew older, he preferred to submit to his more persistent and assertive peers. We lamented: there are many situations in life when it is necessary to fight back. Well, why not teach him to fight?! However, at the age of four, cornered by two older boys, Slavka, out of desperation, gave them both a big shot. Adults came running to their screams, the conflict was resolved, everyone apologized to each other, and remained friends. And I was faced with a problem: to scold my son for assault (physical injuries on his face!) or to praise him for his determination and independence (he didn’t come running to complain).

Some parents believe that a child (especially a boy) should be able to defend himself and fight back. Some determined fathers and mothers admitted: “I told my own, they will offend you - give it to them properly, so that it will not be disgraceful.” Others are categorically against violence. Their motto: “Any conflict can and should be resolved without the use of force. Everything can be agreed upon." I understand both parents. On the one hand, you don’t want the child to be a victim, on the other hand, you want to encourage the child’s aggressive behavior.

It is my firm belief that parents can raise a child in such a way that he will neither become a persecutor nor an outcast.

From early childhood, draw your child's attention to constructive ways to resolve conflicts. For example, it is not necessary to give up yours without a murmur or take someone else’s without talking; you can offer to exchange. A child’s display of aggression (if he took or broke something from another child) should be condemned. But be sure to praise if he managed to resist the other: “Well done for not being scared, not letting your lock be broken, etc.” Teach him to talk to his peers about his feelings, for example, “I feel offended when my buildings are destroyed.” The child must know that calling others names and laughing at them is unacceptable. We must teach the child to take into account the opinions of others, find compromises, be tolerant, and put oneself in the place of others. The task of adults is to explain to the child why a peer behaves this way. The most common reason for aggression in both children and adults is an attempt to take out their grievances on others, in which case one can feel sorry for the offender. This will help the child become more lenient towards the shortcomings of another. Sympathy encourages you to help, not to offend in return.

Rules of psychological self-defense for children 5-8 years old

1. Do not give in to provocations. Explain to your child that he can and should be able to refuse a peer if he is unpleasant or does not want to do something. Teach him not to give in to provocations from his peers. For example, the son is forbidden to leave the yard. Sooner or later there will be a child who will laugh at the “mama’s boy” and try to take him “weakly”. Discuss this situation with your child in advance. You can get out of such a situation with dignity by saying: “My parents are very worried about me. “I gave my word not to leave the yard, and a real man should be able to keep his word.”

2. Don't let yourself be caught off guard. Act according to the principle: forewarned is forearmed. For example, my son became friends with an older boy. I, knowing how annoying my son can be and how hot-tempered his friend can be, warned my son that boys often fight if they don’t share something. And it can be painful and offensive. When the next day the guys quarreled and fought, my son was not shocked and was able to make peace with his friend without my help.

If you expect your child to be teased because of his appearance (for example, he has red hair) or an unusual last name, you can discuss this with him in advance. Come up with all sorts of teasing options together, then when performed by your peers they won’t sound so offensive.

You can prepare a child for life in a group by acting out scenes, showing him types of aggression (calling names, fighting, taking things away) and forcing the child to defend himself. This will allow the child to practice behavioral tactics, prepare for an attack, and suggest the most acceptable ways out of the conflict. It is useful for both boys and girls to compete with their parents: both to win and to suffer defeat.

3. Be able to answer. In many conflicts, it is important that the child has the last word - this will allow him to “save face” in an unpleasant situation and avoid further attacks. Of course, it’s great when a child can impromptu and wittyly put a bully in his place. However, we ourselves know how difficult it is in response to rudeness and rudeness not to become confused and to respond with dignity. The offended child can only lament: “Eh! I should have told this Masha!” If the moment is missed, you can prepare for the next attack; usually the repertoire of attackers is predictable. There is nothing wrong if you and your child come up with several answers to name-calling in advance. For example, if they tease you about being fat, you can simply respond in kind: “You are like that or you are a walking skeleton!” Or make it clear that this doesn’t bother him one bit: “And I’m proud of it! There must be a lot of good people! You don’t understand, I’m not fat, I’m solid.” The main thing is not What the child will say How he will say it. The best defense is a calm, mocking intonation. And explain to the child that fighting in this situation is useless - only to provoke the teasers.

4. Change behavior tactics. Discuss with your child a typical conflict with peers. Usually the child behaves according to the pattern set by those around him, his every action is predictable - this is a special joy for his pursuers. Invite him next time to react to standard circumstances in a way that is unexpected for a bully, then perhaps he will be able to not only puzzle his pursuers, but also take a step towards overcoming the current situation. For example, you can invite the child to look the offenders in the eyes and calmly ask: “So what?” or start laughing with them. In general, do something that is not at all expected of him and ruin all the fun for them. The child must be prepared for the fact that the offenders will try to return the “game” to its previous course and will not immediately leave him behind. Perhaps they will also try to change their behavior tactics. Adult intervention will be necessary if abusers progress to more serious behavior.

5. Don't be a passive victim. Peers often test a friend's strength. Usually one person starts pestering the child - “throws a test ball” - he pushes him as he passes by, throws things off the desk, calls him names. It is important to fight back at this stage. Explain to your child that sometimes it is useful to respond to the offender in the same way - rudeness for rudeness, and sometimes blow for blow. For example, one should always respond to aggression from peers: they push - don’t let yourself be pushed away, they take things away - don’t let them be taken away, take them by force . Protect yourself. Don’t be the first to start a fight, but respond with a blow, albeit ineptly, but make it clear that you are not so easy to deal with. This will allow the child not to be a passive victim, but to become an equal with the offender.

But the main and most reliable protection for a child is self-esteem and self-confidence, and parental love and support are the most reliable allies on this path.

How to help your child improve relationships with peers at school

There is no need to be afraid of conflicts with peers - they are inevitable. You must be prepared for the fact that children may dislike your child or be indifferent to him. Prepare your child for the fact that not everyone around him will love him, some may dislike him, some may disagree with him, some will be offended by him, and interfere with others.

Be sure to warn the teacher about your child's problems (stuttering, need to take medications by the hour, etc.). Stuttering, tics, enuresis, encoporesis, and skin diseases must be monitored and, if possible, treated. All this can lead to ridicule from peers.

The parents' task is to provide the child with everything that will allow him to meet general school requirements. If black shorts are needed for physical education lessons, then you should not offer your child pink ones, thinking that this is not important. It may not matter to the teacher, but classmates will tease the child. This does not mean that you have to follow your child’s lead and buy him “like everyone else in the class.”

Try to ensure that your child communicates with classmates outside of school. Invite them to visit, organize parties, encourage your child to communicate with them.

It is necessary to encourage the child’s participation in general events and trips in every possible way. You should not take your child out of school immediately after school, even for English or music classes. Otherwise, all the kids will become friends with each other, and your child will remain a stranger in the class.

Do not try to cope with the situation alone; be sure to involve teachers, a school psychologist and other parents as allies. By reprimanding the offender, threatening him, or reprimanding his parents, you are not helping, but harming your child.

Only parents can teach a child how to interact effectively with others. After all, the most important example is the example that parents set for their children when communicating with other people. It is parents who can help a child overcome feelings of inferiority and turn a disadvantage into an advantage.

Many parents may notice that their child may often become offended. He “puffs up over trifles”, reacts too emotionally to comments, sits alone for a long time, cries... The little man suffers from his own touchiness, and his parents worry and don’t know what to do in such difficult situations. Our article will help you, dear parents, understand the peculiarities of such a phenomenon as children's touchiness.

Causes of children's touchiness

Resentment- this is a person’s negative experience of his failure, his rejection by people. But every person, and most of all a child, would like to feel his importance and value, at least from the people close to him. In some, this natural need is expressed to a greater extent, in others - to a slightly lesser extent. However, both children experience moments that are associated with how they are perceived.

Childish touchiness- these are facts of the degree of vulnerability and vulnerability of a child in one or another area of self-image (character, appearance, abilities, etc.). let's consider causes, as a result of which the child may become upset and offended:

The innate sensitivity of a child. Some children are naturally emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, so they often get offended. Such children especially feel the need for attachment to their parents, their love, and acceptance by them with all their characteristics.
Parents' failure to accept their child's characteristics. Many parents demonstrate that they will accept their child only if his behavior meets their requirements. Parents who are trying to harshly change the child, as if to “violate the boundaries of his comfort,” shaming him and depriving him of a warm relationship, provoke him to be offended even more. And the constant rejection of the child’s individuality (criticism, reproaches) contributes to the development of insecurity in the child and encourages him to think that he is not needed and is not loved.
The child reacts inappropriately because he senses the hostility of the world. Faced with constant restrictions on various manifestations of his behavior, the child begins to see even neutral situations. He believes that everything is against him. Without the strength to resist external restrictions that humiliate his dignity, the child withdraws into himself and becomes offended.
The child understands that he does not meet the expectations of others. In such cases, he either gets angry and behaves aggressively, or becomes annoyed and offended.
. It happens that parents do not believe in the child’s independence, not allowing him to cope with difficulties on his own. Then he develops a fear of difficult situations and stress, and an inability to overcome them. Such a child will grow up with the expectation that everything will be done for him. And when faced with difficulties, he will sincerely be offended by the whole world.
Parents indulge the child's wishes. In the case when parents strive to fulfill all the desires of the child and allow him to behave as he pleases, he will form the impression that the whole world owes him. A child who considers himself in charge will receive comments about his behavior. And, of course, he will be offended, since he is no less vulnerable than other children.
Child's expectations. For example, a child thinks: “Mom should buy me something tasty every time,” but suddenly this does not happen. When faced with a different parent's idea of the current situation, the child becomes offended and protests.

"Advice. The best thing parents can do for the proper development of their child’s personality is to begin to perceive him as a unique person. Love the child for who he is."

Dealing with the problem

Have you noticed that your child is in tears and offended? How to behave?

You need to control yourself. The crying of a child, especially, drives you crazy. It is important not to break down, even if this happens in a crowded place and for the tenth time. Control your emotions, be calm (at least outwardly): this way you will take the first step towards ensuring that your baby calms down.
We need to help the child calm down. Be kind to the child, hug him. It is better to sit down so that your faces are at the same level: this way the explanations will be better received. When calming the child, stroke his head, hold his hand, stretching his fingers. This way the bad emotions will be left behind.
We need to sympathize. Even if your child is just a baby, it is important to voice his feelings. He will understand that his mother is not indifferent to his problem, she understands everything and deeply sympathizes. Say several times: “You are upset, my little one, I understand you...”.
“You can’t” suddenly becomes “you can.” This little secret will help prevent resentment and hysterics. Yes, you can’t eat ice cream, because it’s winter, but you can have a piece of delicious pie and juice. Yes, you can’t take your mother’s phone yourself, but you can play with it with your mother. To summarize: an unconditional “no” causes resentment, but a partial “no” does not cause such a negative emotion.

Games for touchy kids

"Advice. It is important for parents to help their child comprehend his own world, realize his strengths and weaknesses. This way the child’s inner sense of self will be strengthened and there will be no room for resentment.”

How to deal with a touchy child

Try to show your goodwill towards your child more often, so that he does not have to be reminded of this in different ways.
If a child is offended that others are praised in his presence, explain to him that everyone who deserves it needs approval and praise.
Build a relationship with your child on a partnership basis, explaining that everyone has their own intentions.
Work with the child’s emotional sphere, strengthening it and teaching it how to perceive this or that situation and respond to it.
Choose useful books and cartoons, based on which you can easily explain to your child the causes of grievances and successful ways out of different situations.
Communicate with your child more often, explaining to him which grievances are appropriate and which are not.
There is no need to reproach the child for his touchiness. It is impossible to prohibit being offended, but you can only develop the correct educational strategy to mitigate this feature.
Make sure that the child does not accumulate resentment, but shares his feelings. Learn how to react correctly to offensive situations.
There is no need to compare your child with other children and do not point out their superiority in something.
Try to understand the reasons for the child’s excessive touchiness.

A note for the parent of a touchy child

Show interest in your child's inner life.
Teach your child to speak out loud about his thoughts and desires.
When you express your requirements, be more specific.
Teach your child to put yourself in another person's shoes.
Explain to your child that the actions of people around are varied; let him realize it and accept it.
Develop and strengthen your child’s opinion of himself, increase his self-esteem.
Teach your child to look at many things with humor.
Talk to your child about grievances and look for ways to overcome them.

video in which a psychologist examines the causes and consequences of adolescent touchiness

Be attentive to your child’s inner world, respect his opinion, accept and love him for who he is. This attitude will help raise an emotionally balanced and optimistic child who can cope with problems on his own.

Children quarrel, get offended, even fight - and this is normal if it does not end in tears. But what should a child do when everyone is attacking him? And what should parents do in this situation?

Probably, no one has yet managed to grow up without insults, teasing, quarrels with friends and peers. Childhood quarrels are an inevitable stage on the path to growing up. And your task at this stage is to teach your child to react correctly to quarrels: if you quarrel, you make up. If you offended someone, apologize. If they offended you, try to forgive. But…

Children can sometimes offend very cruelly. It is important for you to see in time that ridicule of a child has long ceased to be innocent, and jokes have ceased to be kind. And although many people believe: two people fight and the third one doesn’t interfere, this is exactly the case when parents need to intervene and help the child not become an eternal victim of ridicule from classmates.

Who is chosen as the victim?

Many children are sure that the reasons for ridicule are purely external. Of course, they greet you based on their clothes, and at first, classmates may tease the lame or poor student. But if a child has character and is confident in himself, then, as a rule, the ridicule quickly stops, and both a beautiful excellent student and a sporty boy with cool phones can become a victim. After all, they primarily offend the weak, dependent and insecure.

If you respect your child, take him into account, hear him and try to understand him, then he will certainly crystallize an inner core that will not allow him to turn into a victim.

Often parents, afraid to raise mama’s boys and daughters, brush aside their child’s complaints about their classmates. Like, everyone quarrels, teases everyone, learn to deal with offenders on your own. And they are doing something completely wrong. After all, before a child can fight back against offenders, he needs to be taught this.

Alarming symptoms

How can you understand that a child is being bullied at school, especially if the child does not complain and hides his problems?

He doesn't want to go to school and is looking for reasons not to go there. Moreover, sometimes the child himself begins to believe that he is tired, did not get enough sleep, does not feel well, and that is why he does not want to go to school.
In the morning, the child complains that his stomach or head hurts. Of course, they can really hurt. But often these symptoms are the result of psychological problems.
The child is constantly in a depressed mood, and he only perks up on weekends and holidays. Yes, of course, many children go to school without wanting to and are happy when they stay at home. But still, at school age, communication with peers is extremely important for them. And even if a child is not attracted to the educational process, he has at least one friend in the class.
The child's things began to disappear. Or he returns from school with damaged or dirty things. Moreover, these are not isolated cases and this happens regularly. This is already a wake-up call, and parents need to intervene immediately. Or better yet, don’t let it come to this.

Was your child beaten by a classmate? Even if “not much”, the position “they will figure it out on their own” is incorrect and even dangerous. One will feel his impunity, the other - his defenselessness. That's why you and your parents need to intervene and restore justice. Don't be afraid to talk to the offender and his parents. This is not sneaking, as children themselves often think, this is help!

How to help a child?

What can you do if you see that something wrong is happening to your child? It is very important to call your son or daughter for a frank conversation. And for it to work out, the child must be sure that he will not be ridiculed, accused of cowardice or called a sneak. He must know that they will listen to him and together with him they will find a solution to the problem.

When a child talks about his grievances, refrain from labeling and making comments like “it’s my own fault” or “I warned you.” Even if you see that the child himself is partly to blame for his problem, give him the opportunity to present the situation as he sees it. And only then, emphasizing that you understand his feelings, note mistakes in the child’s behavior.

Don't forget that first of all, this is your child, so you should be on his side, even if he is wrong. There is no contradiction in this. By supporting and showing understanding, you and your child can correct his mistakes.

In their reaction to insults, parents often go to the other extreme, when everyone around them is bad, except for their beloved son or daughter. Yes, it happens when such an environment in the classroom is chosen unsuccessfully, but even in this case, teach your child to treat the situation critically and not only blame others, but also see his own shortcomings.

After all, the child will grow up and communicate with a variety of people; those around him will not always just pat him on the head. Therefore, learning to contact the outside world is extremely important.

Exceptional case

It happens that a child is simply bullied - viciously, out of the blue. It is not always necessary to show resilience and continue to suffer in this team. If attempts to correct the situation are unsuccessful, it may make sense to change schools. Why make a child an outcast?! It is very important to play this situation correctly

The child and parents should not feel like they are running away from a problem. After all, this is not so. Yes, sometimes it’s pointless to fight evil, it’s easier to step aside, that’s why you change schools. But it is necessary to do internal work, analyze together with the child why such a situation arose. Otherwise, there is a high probability that this situation will repeat itself in another school.

Consolations-prohibitions

Parents react differently to their child's complaints. And not always right. Never tell your child:

Be above it!- this is too serious a demand for a little man. Few people at a tender age have such a steel inner core that will allow them not to notice offenders.
Give back!- this is a double-edged sword, especially if we are talking about surrender not verbally, but quite concretely, with fists. What are you teaching your child - that the only way to protect yourself from offenders is by being rude or fighting? But you don’t want your child to carry this style of conflict resolution into adulthood?
Complain to the teacher!- this is also a very twofold situation. It’s one thing to say that Ivanov is disturbing the class and quite another to run around complaining that Ivanov is teasing, hiding the textbook, etc.
Learn to resolve conflicts on your own!- This is cruel to your own child. Who else will support him if not his family?

Unfortunately, there are no general ready-made recipes for how to properly resolve conflicts of this kind. Each case is examined individually, based on the situation and character of your child. Discuss together where the conflict “grows” from, look for ways to resolve it. Encourage your child when he succeeds in something, support him when he feels bad. In adult life there will still be a lot of difficult situations, so teach your child to overcome any obstacles with dignity.