“I won’t be able to become a football player. I’m too weak,” “I’m so worthless that I can’t even study properly at school.” If your child often uses such phrases, it means he has low self-esteem.
But you are not alone: parents all over the world are faced with this problem. The task of parents is to help their child solve problems with self-esteem in a timely manner.
Let's look at what self-esteem is and how to develop it.
What is self-esteem
In psychology, self-esteem is understood as a subjective assessment of a person. Simply put, self-esteem is what we think about ourselves. Does it matter what children think about themselves? Yes. The child will one day become an adult. And then his self-esteem will play an important role in his life choices.
Self-esteem can be high or low. Children with high self-esteem have self-esteem, a positive self-image, and self-confidence.
Self-esteem does not determine a child's chances of succeeding academically, but it can influence whether he or she feels happy.
Development of self-esteem in children
Children develop self-esteem quite early, and parents play a very important role in its development. Since parents have the greatest influence on a child's life, everything they say and do greatly influences the child's thinking. Let's look at several ways to develop healthy self-esteem in your child.
- Children who feel loved and accepted by their parents learn to love and accept themselves. When you hug your child and say kind words to him, he feels loved. Sometimes just your smile is enough for this.
- Focus on your child's strengths rather than weaknesses. Encourage him to use his talents without feeling embarrassed. At the same time, help your child identify his weaknesses and find ways to improve them.
- Encouraging your child to succeed is good. But we don't always manage to be successful. Let your child know that it is okay to lose sometimes. Teach him to cope with failure and explain that success is not an indicator of worth.
- Developing new skills can be exhilarating for your child. Teach your child new skills, even if they are not of primary importance (for example, growing plants, cooking, changing a tire on a car, etc.). This will increase his self-esteem.
- Having a choice makes a child feel good. Give your child the opportunity to choose from time to time. It also teaches him responsibility and makes him understand that every choice comes with certain risks. Start small: let your child choose clothes for a walk, food, toys, etc. And only after that motivate you to make life decisions on your own.
- When you solve any problem (no matter how big or small), you feel a sense of accomplishment. Therefore, next time, do not try to solve problems for your child, but teach him to cope with them on his own. This will increase the child's self-confidence and self-esteem.
- Teach your child to take care of themselves and others. Talk to him about the importance of a healthy lifestyle and the need to take care of himself. Teach him to observe good personal hygiene and dress well. This will increase his self-confidence.
- Children are naturally inquisitive and eager to try new things. If your child shows interest in any activities or sports, do not interfere with him. Encourage your child to try new things, but warn him about possible difficulties and risks.
- For example, if a child wants to do martial arts, let him do it. But explain to him that it takes practice and persistence, which means he will have to get up early and practice every day.
Encouragement is important, but praise can do more harm than good. Frequent use of the words “wonderful” or “amazing” can have unpleasant consequences for a child. Psychologists say that too frequent praise interferes with the development of independence in a child. Some children become uncomfortable with too much praise, and may make special efforts to prove that their parents are wrong.
Games and activities to develop child self-esteem
Praise may not be the key to developing self-esteem and intrinsic motivation in a child. But they can be developed through games. Let's look at some of them.
1. "I"
Does your child love himself? Is he proud of his achievements or only ashamed of his shortcomings?
This simple activity will help you find the answers to these questions.
You will need: chart or drawing paper, old magazines, glue, scissors, markers.
How to perform
1. Ask your child to write words that characterize him on a piece of paper. These can be both positive and negative characteristics.
2. Then suggest focusing only on the positive things people said about the child.
3. Paste a photo of the child in the center of a piece of paper.
4. Invite your child to fill the space around his photo with positive words that describe him.
5. Place the resulting collage in the child’s room. This will enhance his positive self-perception.
2. Listchild's life achievements
An effective way to increase a child's self-esteem is to remind him of his successes.
You will need: sheet of paper, pen.
How to perform
1. Give your child paper and pen.
2. Write down his life achievements on the first sheet of paper. Leave space below so this list can continue.
3. To remind your child that he has great potential, encourage him to talk about his achievements every day before bed.
Listing accomplishments every day reminds your child that he is capable of more and builds his self-confidence.
3. Positive experience
This can be a group activity that you can do with friends or family.
You will need: vase or box, cards, place for playing.
How to perform
1. Invite the children to stand in a circle and give them one card each.
2. Invite the children to write their names on cards and place them in a vase. Shuffle the cards.
3. Each child should draw a card with someone else’s name and write on it one positive quality of this person.
4. Collect the cards and place them back in the vase.
5. Return the cards to their owners and let them read what others have written about them.
4. “I’m afraid, but...”
Fear can prevent a person from doing anything. This activity will help your child face his fears.
You will need: paper and pen.
How to perform
1. Ask your child to list his fears on paper. For example, he may be afraid to go to the pool due to excess weight, speak in public, or ask someone out on a date. Sentences should look like this: “I’m afraid to go to the pool because...”, “I’m afraid to speak in front of people because...”.
2. The second step is to imagine the child doing what he is afraid of. Let him imagine himself signing up for a swim or performing in front of an audience.
3. Form a habit in your child: every time he writes down his fears, he should write down the possible results if he tries to do it. Along with the negative consequences, he should write phrases like: “Even if I get very nervous speaking in public, nothing bad will happen.” This will ease the child's fears.
5. Mother and daughter activity
A mother is the strongest role model in a little girl's life. This activity will help the girl increase her self-esteem.
You will need: Whatman paper, felt-tip pens or markers.
How to perform
1. Make two posters on which you write “I” in large block letters so that you can write text inside.
2. Similarly, make two more posters with the inscriptions “My mother” and “My daughter”.
3. Give your daughter posters with the inscriptions “I” and “My Mom” and invite her to write positive words about herself and you in the outline of the letters. Fill out the remaining two posters yourself.
4. After this, exchange the posters and read what is written on them.
The hardest part of this activity is motivating your daughter to write something positive about herself.
6. Responsibilities
The child develops self-esteem by knowing that he is trusted. The best way to do this is to assign your child responsible work.
How to perform
1. Make a list of tasks that your child can do (for example, watering indoor plants, walking the dog, vacuuming the apartment, etc.).
2. Every time your child successfully completes a task, praise him, but do not overdo it. If he makes mistakes, help him correct them, but don't focus on it. This will strengthen the child's self-confidence and improve his self-perception.
7. Visualization
Our negative thoughts can weigh us down so much that we are unable to imagine anything good. If your child is going through such a period, this activity will help him.
You will need: a calm place where the child can relax.
How to perform
1. Find out why the child has a negative attitude towards himself or what he is afraid of.
3. Invite your child to imagine and write down the ideal outcome of the event he is worried about.
4. Then encourage your child to close their eyes and imagine how they would feel if this happened.
5. Have him write down how he feels when he visualizes the ideal situation and what he thinks about himself.
8. Changing your internal dialogue
Negative self-talk greatly impacts a child's self-confidence. Regardless of what others say, your opinion of yourself is what you truly believe. This activity will help your child change negative internal dialogue to positive one.
You will need: paper and pen.
How to perform
1. Divide a sheet of paper into two columns. In one write: “Negative beliefs”, in the other – “Positive beliefs”.
2. Invite your child to write down in the first column all the negative beliefs about himself that he has.
3. After this, help him turn negative beliefs into positive ones. Statements must be clear and appropriate to the child's abilities.
First, you can set an example for your child. Tell him how you change negative beliefs about yourself into positive ones.
Convincing your child to think positively may not work. Children act more based on their feelings than their beliefs. Engaging your child in activities that remind him of his abilities is more effective than teaching him about positive thinking. Remember that you have a great influence on your child. Use this influence to boost his self-esteem, but don't overdo it.
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Whether your children will be successful in life and how their fate will turn out depends on their self-confidence and their abilities. Whether the son studies with straight C's or A's, whether he plans to enter college or an international university - all this is secondary. Chemistry, physics and other school subjects may simply not be useful to him in the future. The main thing is that the child knows his own worth and strives for more, and does not stop there.
How to understand what kind of self-esteem your child has
Performance in the classroom is what parents usually put first. As a result, it turns out that the neighbor’s boy, who studied with only C grades, drives a luxury jeep. And Masha, a diligent student and the pride of the school, works in an inconspicuous company as an ordinary employee.
Unfortunately, parents rarely pay attention to their child's self-esteem. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s overpriced or underestimated. Any, even a very small deviation from the norm is bad. The point is that a self-confident person, regardless of circumstances and obstacles, will be able to achieve more in life.
A person with complexes who lives by the rules is content with what he has. An overly self-confident person is convinced that he is not appreciated or loved, despite the fact that he is the best specialist on this planet. As a result, the last two categories of people become disillusioned with life, and shift their failures onto others.
There are signs by which you can understand what kind of self-esteem your child has. First listen to what he says about himself. If his set of phrases for characterization includes “lazy”, “greedy”, “incompetent”, “ugly”, “stupid”, then it’s time to sound the alarm.
Such children believe that they simply do not have the right to make a mistake - otherwise, they will be unhappy with them. If your child constantly asks about the correctness of his actions (even banal washing), then ask why he is doing this? Surely he will frown and answer: “I don’t know.”
You just pay attention to how the baby responds to your request, for example, to wash his boots. He will do it slowly and very strangely: his hands are shaking, there are a lot of fussy movements. This is also a sign of low self-esteem - in this way he tries to avoid mistakes in fulfilling the request.
Very often this condition goes too far, and then a child with low self-esteem grows into an insecure loser.
Such people:
- They are always the object of ridicule, grinning and mockery.
- Usually alone - no friends, no girlfriends, or just good acquaintances.
- They do not make their own independent decisions and are ready to follow any person.
- Under the weight of failures, they can completely wilt and “go into trouble” - alcoholism, drug addiction, theft.
Fear, loneliness and complete failure are constant companions of people with low self-esteem. It is unlikely that any parent dreams of seeing their child like this. It is necessary to take action as soon as the first signs of such problems are noticed. And under no circumstances reproach him for anything - your reproaches certainly do not increase self-esteem.
Low self-esteem
Does your son constantly complain that his desk neighbor is smarter, prettier, and better dressed? Or began to often claim that you don’t love him? Constant tearfulness, fear of punishment, expectation of the worst, lack of self-confidence - all these are the first signs of low self-esteem.
If no steps are taken, in the future he will begin to be bullied in class, and he will not be able to adapt to even small changes in life.
If you try your luck elsewhere and take him out of school (or transfer him to another class), the situation will not change in any way. The student sets himself up for failure by repeating to himself “I won’t be able to study with straight A’s,” “I won’t solve this problem,” “I’m a failure,” etc.
Heightened self-esteem
Typically, children with high self-esteem believe that they are always right in everything. At the same time, they can claim that a bad mark on a test is not their inattention, but the teacher’s nagging. They are not used to realizing their mistakes; they have no authority. Often they do not even respect parents or experienced mentors.
The little man strives to subjugate everyone to himself, using other people's weaknesses, desires, aspirations, trying to stand out against the background of other people's failures.
Usually such children are ringleaders, aggressors and rather cruel leaders in the future. “I know better”, “You won’t succeed, but I can” - at first, such a child’s initiative touches the parents. And, unfortunately, loving fathers and mothers realize too late that they have raised a tyrant.
Adequate self-esteem
Such a child is not afraid to ask for help, because he understands that it is impossible to know and be able to do everything. At the first failure, he does not give up and does not go with the flow, but first tries to solve everything through his own efforts. He knows that he is loved and appreciated, so he is not afraid to appear weak. The kid never shifts responsibilities to others. Having provided help to one of his comrades, the student will not ask for a reward for this.
If your child has adequate self-esteem, he will not play on his nerves, demand special treatment from friends, relatives or acquaintances, or seek benefits everywhere. He accepts people as they are. Moderately self-confident people have a much easier life in the future, since they are never disappointed in friends, family, work. They look at things realistically.
How to raise your child's self-esteem
There are ways to increase self-esteem and raise a self-sufficient, confident person. And the sooner you start acting, the higher the likelihood of getting a good result. At an older age (17-18 years old), without the help of a psychologist, you are unlikely to be able to radically change anything in the character of your son or daughter.
Regardless of age, status and gender, a person needs praise no less than monetary encouragement.
By saying the right words that approve of a particular action, you will reinforce your child’s good habits. If you stop enjoying, for example, excellent grades, a cleaned room on time, or washed dishes, the student will eventually lose interest in this. For you, an ode to taking out the trash is stupid, for a child it is a vital necessity. Don't take these actions for granted.
When not to praise
But you need to praise your child correctly and in moderation. In some moments it is better to hold back, as flattery can be very harmful.
Dishonest Achievements
When a student got a good grade by copying a test from his neighbor, he showed resourcefulness. Therefore, there is no point in blaming ingenuity. But there is no point in admiring how he acted in this situation. Try to explain to him that he appropriated the works of others for himself. If this happens for the first time, you can refrain from expressing your own opinion.
Natural data
Expressive eyes, an elegant nose, excellent hair - all this is good, but this is not the merit of your child. Of course, we need to say that he is beautiful. But only occasionally, so that the baby knows and realizes that he is no worse than the rest.
Things
Admiring the fact that a schoolboy has a beautiful backpack is as bad as telling a girl that her dress makes her look great. To some extent it's even offensive. Clothes, toys and other little things that you bought or gave are taken for granted by adults.
Pity or desire to please
Some people believe that flattery can bribe a child or raise his self-esteem. And this is one of the biggest mistakes adults make. But children are very sensitive to lies, hypocrisy and flattery. By telling obvious lies, you can alienate your baby.
Why express praise and gratitude
But you need to praise the child in the following cases.
Talent
Does the child sing, dance, draw or play an instrument? Encourage him for trying to find himself, even if at first he doesn’t succeed. Don’t throw around phrases that he won’t turn out to be a second Pushkin or Michael Jackson. This will have a very bad effect on his self-esteem, he will immediately lose interest in what is happening.
Honest merits
Whatever your child does, praise him when he puts in the effort. Let it be a trifle: help around the house, homework done on time, playing with your younger brother, reading a book. Anyone is pleased when their actions that bring benefits are appreciated.
For future success
Learn to motivate a student. Can't solve the problem? Say that you are confident in his success. Do you have a test coming up? But you don’t even doubt that your child will be able to write an excellent paper. Don’t forget to praise your daughter before leaving the house, and then in the evening you will definitely be pleased with your achievements.
Techniques for increasing self-esteem
Simple techniques will help raise your child’s self-esteem and feel self-confidence.
When making any decision, always ask your child for advice. This will help him understand his importance and raise his self-esteem. However, in this case there is one “but”. Even if your opinion differs from the wishes of the baby, try to follow his recommendations. Otherwise, the effect of this technique will be completely opposite - you will develop a lot of complexes and fears. And next time they will simply be afraid to express their thoughts.
Ask for help
The son will do an excellent job with a broken stool, the daughter will sew up a button that has come off her blouse. Don't try to do everything yourself, ask your children for help. At the same time, treat them as equals and do not demand immediate fulfillment of your whims. Responsibilities (cleaning, washing dishes, peeling potatoes) are completely different; younger family members must carry them out unquestioningly.
Feign weakness
Taking everything upon themselves, parents raise hothouse children. In the future, when they become adults, many of them cannot even cook soup. And this is not to mention more serious tasks. Any work will cause despondency. After all, before, everyone around them did everything for them - grandmothers, mothers, friends. In adult life, people should be able to answer for themselves.
You can ask to look after a sick family member, go to the store and buy everything you need. Teenagers can already pay bills, send mail, and walk the dog. The older the child, the more he should help his parents. Of course, you shouldn’t blame all the household chores on him either.
Six rules of punishment
Has your daughter or son done something wrong, and you once again put them in a corner, gloomily muttering that nothing good will ever come of it? Don't be surprised if your setup works. After all, you subconsciously drive thoughts into your child’s head that he is bad, stupid, etc. But mothers should not forgive everything and leave wrongdoing unpunished. You just need to learn how to do it correctly.
In order not to harm the child’s self-esteem, he must be punished correctly.
Harmlessness
There should be no physical or psychological violence. Moral humiliation will lead to a drop in self-esteem or, even worse, make the child embittered. Remember, you may be deprived of parental rights for bullying minors.
Doubts
If you are not sure that it was your son who broke the glass at school, do not punish him. But even when after two or three weeks he confesses to the offense, you should not deprive him of the computer as a preventive measure. Otherwise, he will simply stop sharing with you what is happening in his life.
Don't punish more than once
No matter how serious the offense has been committed, you should not be angry with your child forever. Do not remember this situation, do not punish again. Even after a year, don’t blame them for mistakes if it’s hard for you to forget about them. Otherwise, he will constantly feel guilty and will not be able to move on.
Don't take personal items
Your child was given a remote control car, and you took it away until he corrected his grades? By saying and showing that things do not belong to him, you develop fears and an inferiority complex in him. Over time, he will begin to think that he does not deserve what he has, and will be afraid of losing even what he does not need.
Cancel the punishment
If the child made a mistake, but quickly corrected his mistakes, or you punished him for nothing, then do not be afraid to change your decision. Otherwise, next time he will not want to take any action to improve the situation. After all, what's the point of trying to change yourself if the result is the same.
Express your love
Even though the child did something wrong and was punished, you should still show maternal feelings. You cannot ignore him, be demonstratively silent, or angrily answer questions and requests. If he asks for help or needs advice, forget about insults and quarrels for a while. After all, first of all, you are a mother.
When not to punish
Remember once and for all, everything should have its place and time! It is not always worth rushing to conclusions or making decisions without hearing the other side. And in some cases, punishing is strictly prohibited, even if the child is really to blame. So, we leave everything to chance or wait a while if:
- You are on edge, feel bad, are very tired or have not processed the situation.
- The child is sick, busy with homework, eating, playing, or you have guests.
- When you are unable to understand the reason for an action, the child cannot explain his actions.
- The child himself suffered shock, trauma, and cannot cope with his feelings, fears and emotions.
How to help a complex child adapt
What if your child is overweight, has birth defects, or is too shy? There is no point in convincing a schoolchild that stupid classmates are pestering him. This will only make the problem worse. In this case, there are several ways to get his peers to respect him.
Things
Give your child something that will help him stand out in the crowd. You don't have to buy an expensive mobile phone or tablet. In elementary grades this could be toys, in older grades it could be a good bag, shoes, jewelry. Children are very cruel, so classmates who look much worse and wear old things are often disliked. Remember, it’s better to buy two or three good sweaters from the store, rather than buying a whole wardrobe in stock.
But don’t follow the lead, don’t buy him everything. Do not give gifts for something (good studies, achievements in sports, cleaning the house), otherwise in the future you will be required to give a gift for any occasion. But if you promised something, be kind enough to keep your word. The child must trust you.
Mugs
Enroll your son in football, your girl in dancing or in music school. Choose youth sections based on their potential. By interacting with the team and doing what he likes, the child will relax and find himself. A guy playing guitar will always be the life of the party.
Speakers courses
As soon as your child can speak, start seeing a speech therapist. It will help you deliver your speech correctly and correct some defects. Children often cannot pronounce complex sounds, which subsequently affects their self-esteem. In elementary and high school, you should take classes where experts will teach public speaking.
Have you noticed that some kids have an amazing ability to communicate with everyone around them - peers, teenagers, adults? They are happy, always in a good mood and attract the attention of everyone around them without exception. And some are gloomy loners with whom there is nothing to talk about. It's a sad sight. But this means only one thing - such an unsociable person has low self-esteem, and the parents are solely to blame for this. After all, family is the basis of a child’s future character. It is mom and dad who form the child’s internal assessment of his behavior, skills, and even intelligence.
How to help your child become more confident
Treat your child as an individual, a mature person. If you come up with something for yourself, it does not mean that he thinks the same way as you. For example, a son says: “I’ll go for a walk.” What does he mean by this, what is he thinking about? It’s simple: “I’m tired and just want to clear my head, run around a little with friends and chat with that girl from the next door.” What does my mother think - he’s lazy, doesn’t want to help me and only thinks about partying! This is where prohibitions, tears, grievances and scandals come from. Mutual understanding deteriorates, and the child immediately feels like a slave who is simply not allowed to go for a walk.
You only need to talk “as equals,” otherwise the child will never become an independent person. See for yourself - try to behave like an adult relative. You will immediately see a response - he will begin to realize his importance, will be more frank and will stop perceiving his parents’ advice as excessive guardianship.
Try to praise him for everything. Even if something went wrong, your baby deserves praise just for daring to do something useful. Be sure to gently and carefully show your child how to do everything right - just unobtrusively and not with pretensions.
Look for an approach to your child. All children are different - they are individuals! Naturally, what is good for one person may not be suitable for another. You can try different options, but the most effective is a question-and-answer dialogue. Moreover, it is the child who must give the answer.
Be sure to create your baby’s own world. Ideally, this should be a separate room with low shelves, a large mirror and personal items. If this is physically impossible to do, then at least separate a corner of the room with a screen - let him still have at least a minimum of personal space. This will teach him to be independent: low shelves will allow you to involve your child in cleaning, and a mirror will help you monitor your appearance. Such little things form the basis for the formation of a disciplined and responsible person.
Constantly emphasize to him that you trust him completely. This greatly encourages you to take deliberate actions. And, by the way, children who are treated with respect and trust are much less likely to turn into alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals - they simply do not understand how they can let their families down. There is no need to constantly prompt and control his actions. It is imperative to talk about possible negative consequences and clarify: “You are an adult and should understand everything yourself. We trust you."
How to find an approach to your child
Yes, it's hard being a parent. So that he is calm, and balanced, and fair, and kind, and wise. No one promised easy ways, you have to raise a person, and everything depends on mom and dad.
Children, like sponges, absorb absolutely all information, and do not think that after yesterday’s punishment nothing is happening in the child’s head. Quite the opposite! He thinks, worries, doubts and makes one correct (as it seems to him) decision: as his mother says, so it is.
Psychologists often advise parents to talk to their baby in an affectionate manner. It is not at all necessary to call a 15-year-old teenager by a childhood nickname, but at a young age it is very useful. Even in these words he will feel kindness, love and attention.
Do not scold your child in front of other people and peers. Even if they are grandmothers or uncles, neighbors or nephews. Under no circumstances should you humiliate a little person! And teachings and punishments in the presence of strangers are real humiliation. You just can’t imagine how many people remember this childhood “shame” all their lives.
It is from this moment that problems with mutual understanding can begin. One more point: if you find a diary with personal notes on a teenager, then never, under any circumstances, mention it. He will stop trusting you.
Take your child for walks and play games with him often. You should not replace communication with computer games - this is not the best hobby. But it will be very useful to play with cubes, make an applique, or make some kind of craft! In the end, color some picture - both you and the baby really need it.
Be kind to your child. No troubles or problems should be reflected in your attitude towards him - remember that he has nothing to do with it. Take out your grievances and anger on anything, just not on him. It’s better to walk down the street, put your thoughts in order and calm down. Or ask your child to leave the room for a few minutes, tell him that you have a headache and want to rest. Find any option, but start communicating with your closest person only in a good mood.
Self-esteem plays an important role in a person's life. It directly affects the level of his success in the field of interpersonal relationships and career achievements. Basic self-esteem is formed in early childhood and is difficult to correct in adulthood without the help of a psychologist. Therefore, the sooner parents think about how to instill self-confidence in their child, the easier it will be for him in later life.
How to understand what kind of self-esteem a child has
You can determine how distorted a child’s self-perception is by whether he objectively assesses his abilities and focuses on opportunities or obstacles. If a child constantly uses such figures of speech as “I can’t”, “nothing will work out”, “I’m just lucky”, then he underestimates himself.
If, at the slightest failures and mistakes, the child behaves irritably and blames others for everything, and strives too much for leadership, then this indicates his excessive self-confidence. At the same time, some passivity and unsociability are not always signs of low self-esteem; a tendency to aggressive behavior is overestimated. The characteristics of the child’s temperament and the influence of age-related crises should be taken into account.
Projective techniques will help you assess your child’s level of self-esteem as impartially as possible:
- "Ladder";
- "Funny men";
- drawing test "Man".
The arrangement of children's drawings on paper is quite indicative. With healthy, adequate self-esteem, the image in the vast majority of cases ends up in the middle of the sheet and occupies no more than 2/3 of its area. Inflated self-esteem is indicated by an increase in the size of the picture and its strong upward shift. Children prone to an inferiority complex tend to draw at the bottom of the sheet and devote no more than 1/3 of the available space to their creation. Poor drawing of feet and hands when depicting people also indicates a lack of confidence in one’s abilities. A sign of high self-esteem are drawings of princesses, kings, and superheroes.
What does the development of self-esteem depend on?
Self-esteem is defined as a person's perception of the importance of his personality and activities. The key role in the formation of one or another level of self-esteem is played by the nature of relationships with others (value) and the individual’s achievements (competence). In early childhood, a child’s social circle is extremely narrowed, so his psychological development is mainly influenced by his parents. At the same time, the child does not immediately begin to recognize himself as a separate being. Only at the age of 2-3 does the formation of his self-awareness and perception of himself as an independent figure occur.
Note! Around the age of 3-4 years, a crisis of independence occurs when the child begins to express extreme negativism, stubbornness and self-will. Overly strict rules and harsh punishments applied during this period can forever suppress the child’s will and lay the foundation for his low self-esteem for many years.
At the age of 4-5 years, children are already able to define their personal qualities, notice not only achievements in games and communication, but also failures. The ability to evaluate oneself is finally formed by the age of 7. The further development of self-esteem of a junior schoolchild mainly depends on the results of academic activities.
Types of self-esteem in a child
Like adults, children's self-esteem can be healthy or inadequate: overestimated or underestimated. K. Mruk additionally identifies protective forms of self-perception. They arise when one of the components of self-esteem development (value, competence) is underdeveloped or absent:
- The first type manifests itself in the form of self-satisfaction with minor achievements in life. At the same time, the level of aspirations is artificially lowered in order to avoid the experience of one’s inadequacy in the event of a possible defeat. So, a child may say that he is not interested in some activity, while he is simply afraid of failing in a new activity.
- The second type is characterized by the development of the highest possible level of competence in order to compensate for the feeling of unworthiness. This is often the origin of excellent student syndrome in children and workaholism in adults.
Ways to increase self-esteem
The most effective ways and advice on how to raise low self-esteem in a child are given by psychologists.
Stop making comparisons
For a child, comparison with others can result in deep internal suffering and cause a huge blow to self-esteem. After all, by setting another person as an example, parents send a message to their child: “You are not good enough the way you are.” If a comparison is made with a brother or sister, then it also gives rise to childhood jealousy and struggle for parental love.
It is permissible to compare a baby only with himself: the way he was in the past or will become in the future. For example, “Well done! Last time there were five mistakes in the dictation, today there are only three! I can already imagine how in the future you will become even more attentive and completely stop making mistakes!”
Ask for his opinion
The habit of adults to consult with him in simple everyday issues can help increase a child's self-esteem. In this case, you need to talk to him as an equal or even more competent interlocutor. This will give him a sense of importance and confidence in his ability to make smart decisions.
For example, you can ask for help deciding which curtains are best to hang in the living room or which flowers to plant on the balcony. At the same time, it is important, at least in part, to follow the baby’s advice, even if it is not the best. This technique gives especially good results when communicating with teenagers, promoting their development of independence and a sense of belonging to the adult world.
Provide freedom of choice
By setting clear boundaries of what is permitted, it is necessary to leave the child freedom of choice in some ways, to allow him to face the consequences of an incorrect decision. For example, you can force a child to wear a hat on the street, but what kind of hat you can leave the right to vote for him. You can demand that toys be removed from the floor, but allow them to be folded the way he wants.
Make adequate demands
All parents have an idea of what heights their child should achieve in a particular area. If the baby does not live up to the expectations placed on him, they experience a feeling of disappointment. The life of such a child turns into a real race trying to please mom and dad: endless clubs, sports clubs, classes with tutors. As a rule, perfectionist parents still remain dissatisfied with something.
It is important to learn to set feasible tasks for the baby. For example, due to the peculiarities of the development of thought processes in children under 6-7 years of age, the main type of activity should be play, and not educational. Loading a child with activities that are not age-appropriate is harmful not only to his self-esteem, but also to his mental development.
Even at the state level, which is enshrined in the Federal State Educational Standards standards, the course task is to develop in children such qualities as having their own opinion, internal motivation, the ability to learn new things, and not just achieving a high level of academic performance. After all, without a certain character strengthening it is impossible to find your place in the world.
Other methods
An effective way to develop greater self-confidence in a child is role-playing games. For example, you can invite your child to act out a scene in which he took first place in a competition, and his best friend took last place, which made him very upset. Next you need to ask the child to console his friend. Or act out a scene in which the child is late for class and the teacher is angry with him, then switch roles with him. Such techniques help the baby prepare for stressful situations and learn effective ways of behavior.
There is no better way to raise a truly confident child and strengthen his self-esteem than by example by demonstrating a healthy attitude towards victories and defeats. In front of the baby, it’s better to say: “The pie didn’t turn out, that’s okay! Next time we’ll try to use less flour!” rather than characterizing each of our failures as the end of the world: “What a nightmare! I will never take up baking again in my life!”
To raise a self-confident child, it is also useful to read fairy tales and watch various cartoons that help raise self-esteem (“The Ugly Duckling”, “About the Ladybug”, “About How Good it is to Be a Turtle”).
Excessive praise
One of the simple ways to increase a child's self-esteem is praise. However, you need to know what and how to praise, and what leads to the opposite result:
- You can approve of any child’s desire for development and self-expression, helping others, brave deeds, willingness to defend his point of view, and optimistic attitude.
- Praising what has not been achieved through one’s own labor will not help develop healthy self-esteem: beauty, toys, clothes.
- It is not recommended to use general phrases like “the smartest”, “the bravest”. Abstract praise does not give the child an understanding of what exactly he is being approved for.
Features of adolescent self-esteem
If the self-esteem of younger schoolchildren primarily depends on their academic performance, then in adolescence, school success fades into the background. The experience of one’s significance and rejection in the circle of peers becomes the main source of the formation of self-perception. The authority of teachers and parents during this period decreases to the maximum, and accordingly, its ability to directly influence the child’s self-esteem also.
One of the most effective ways to increase self-esteem and self-confidence in a teenager is to create opportunities for new acquaintances. The more social groups a child belongs to, the more different points of view on his personality he will receive, the more voluminous his idea of his importance will become. It happens that relationships at school with peers do not work out; in a hobby group or summer camp, the child receives respect and love.
Additional Information. The Budassi method or the Dembo-Rubinstein test for self-esteem of a teenager’s personality will help determine its adequacy.
How else to increase self-esteem and self-confidence for a teenager:
- It is necessary to support the child in his interests and hobbies. After all, what you like is usually done well. High work results increase confidence in your strengths and abilities like nothing else.
- It is important to orient a teenager towards abstract spiritual and moral ideals. This will help reduce his dependence on the opinions of random people and make his self-esteem more stable.
Difference between low self-esteem of girls and boys
The self-esteem of girls and boys can be negatively affected by the gendering of socially approved qualities. So, in girls, for example, well-groomed appearance, neatness, complaisance, chastity and shame are welcomed. The manifestation of traditionally male character traits and interests, if not prohibited, is still not encouraged. Similarly for young men: they are instructed to be active, courageous, and aggressive. It is rare for a young man to maintain healthy self-esteem if he does not fit into traditional ideas of masculinity.
Important! The attitude towards a child as a representative of a certain gender affects the formation of his self-esteem as a whole.
Gender stereotypes have a detrimental effect on self-esteem when they deprive boys and girls of the right to develop all their talents and character strengths and limit the freedom to choose a life and professional path. Therefore, it is important to explain to the child that his value does not depend on how well he fits into society’s expectations. It is necessary to remove from your own vocabulary the expressions: “Do this! You’re a boy/girl!”
What not to do
There are typical mistakes parents make that have a detrimental effect on a child’s self-esteem:
- When criticizing, you cannot go on to characterize a person. Negative assessments can only be given to actions. It’s better to say “I don’t like it when your room is a mess” rather than “it’s terrible what a slob you are.”
- It is ineffective to mix criticism and reproaches with praise. You can’t say: “It’s great that you cleaned your room, otherwise you usually have a terrible mess!”
- You cannot punish a child when he cannot cope with the influx of negative emotions or any shortcoming, making sincere efforts.
- It is not recommended to remember old misdeeds. This way you can create a feeling of eternal guilt in your child.
Important! First of all, the child reacts not to the actions and words of his parents, but to their emotional component. Statements full of irritation and contempt towards a child can harm his self-esteem much more than the most severe punishment.
It is possible and necessary to correct a child’s self-perception. The main thing in this matter is to start by working on yourself, raising your own self-esteem and developing emotional intelligence.
Video
: Reading time:
How to teach a child to adequately evaluate himself so that he can be critical of the assessments of peers, teachers - and then colleagues and bosses. Tells family psychologist Maria Samotsvetova.
Self-esteem, self-presentation, self-criticism, self-image. These characteristics are inherent to all people, and therefore to children too. Comparison and evaluation are the basis of self-image for children and adults. Analyzing ourselves and others, we can conclude: we are better, worse, equal.
And here it’s worth immediately and strongly making a reservation: comparing yourself with others is useful only if your self-esteem and self-image are adequate and real. In this case, the comparison will provoke changes in the desired direction.
Compare the child only with himself (with his previous results)
Children's self-image and self-esteem have not yet been formed, so the most important rule: do not intentionally compare your children with others, only with yourself! I used to write a dictation in two, but now I wrote it in three - well done, smart, success! Because he grew above himself, and did not grow up to Petya, Katya or Tanya. Children need to develop an attitude: they should reach out not to others, but to the best version of themselves. Perhaps the “best version” of a child can write a dictation with a B minus, but never with a A. Then citing excellent students as examples will become disastrous.
A fish will not become a bird, no matter how you motivate it to do so. A sown carrot will not grow into a turnip. But you can care for and take care of a carrot so much that it will grow into a carrot - the champion of an agricultural show, the best carrot! So, every child is a unique fruit of love (whether a vegetable or a fruit), and the task of parents is to make him the best in his unique kind, and not to make him different, like someone else.
In most cases, low self-esteem in a child is a consequence of frequent comparisons and citing other children as examples.
The lack of comparison in early and school childhood contributes to the development of adequate self-esteem in the child. Low and high self-esteem are not adequate. Yes, we are all different, and some are better than others at something, but this does not mean that this someone is better than you as a person.
If we talk about increasing self-esteem in children, we mean that it is underestimated (that is, inadequate), and it needs to be returned to its previous, adequate level. In most cases, low self-esteem in a child is a consequence of frequent comparisons and citing other children as examples. What the child hears in this is not “reach out to Petya, I know you can” (which, I hope, is what the parents mean), but “Petya is good, but you are so-so,” “how lucky Petya’s parents were to have him.” , and I... well... this is my cross and I have to carry it.” Such conclusions have never spurred anyone to become better. And in general, the idea of “becoming better, so that they love you and don’t abandon you” is destructive and dysfunctional in itself.
Assess the child's abilities
Let's say you stopped comparing your child with Petya and citing Katya as an example, but he has not yet received an Olympic medal and a Nobel Prize in the same year, what should you do? Get to know your child better! He may not be an athlete or a scientist. Yes, all parents want smart, cheerful, perky (the best!) children. But it will be much better for the child, and for you, and for your relationship if you accept uniqueness and its imperfections.
Get to know the child, take a closer look at him, lower your requirements for at least a week and notice his individual characteristics: some things come easier, some things are more difficult, and some things he will never master. And that's okay! Recognizing your child's differences will allow you to be a more flexible parent in terms of demands and expectations. For example, your child is never an athlete (and then you can lag behind him in terms of sporting achievements, and be happy with a C in physical education), but he is a sensitive musician (and then you can push him harder with the demands in music).
Enjoy minimal successes
To increase self-esteem in children, it is very important to sincerely rejoice at their, even minimal, successes. Sincerely! Seeing, noting the slightest changes for the better, showing the child how his work (both purposeful and not so focused) brings results: “Look, you’ve been riding a bike all summer, and now you’ve run the fastest cross-country race in the class.”
And if before school he was sure that he was the best, then by the end of the first quarter he would understand that this was most likely not the case.
The child may not be aware of such subtle logical consequences; the parent’s task is to unobtrusively show them to him: “Now you and I are skating, and all your classmates are reading “Blizzard” to prepare for an essay. And you read it back in the summer, and how you resisted, how you didn’t want to! But the job is done, and now we are free.” So parents need to encourage not only the result itself, but also the efforts made to achieve it.
Praise for specific things, then you won’t be able to “over-praise”
A mandatory element in the formation of adequate self-esteem in children is praise. Some parents are afraid to praise their children, in case they become arrogant, in case they over-praise. It is impossible to over-praise if you praise the child for something real, concrete, for deeds, achievements, work. Not just “you’re my smartest,” but “you remember poems and songs so well!”
A child does not grow up in a vacuum; the social environment very quickly confronts him with reality. And if before school he was sure that he was the best, then by the end of the first quarter he would understand that this was most likely not the case. This can be a painful experience that affects self-esteem, so you need to praise, but for something, and not just like that.
Consider age: a child’s self-esteem may be too high, a teenager needs to be supported
It is important to note the various stages of development of self-esteem in relation to age, to know them and take them into account.
The only child in the family, until the age of three, has no concept of self-esteem at all - he is the center of the universe of a large family. At the age of three he goes to kindergarten, and then he realizes that in some ways he is better and in some ways worse than other children. The task of parents at this stage is to tell the child that all people are different, and yes, they differ from each other in different ways, this is normal! The apples on the same apple tree are also all different. Inflated self-esteem in childhood is adequate, that is, it is normal if a child thinks of himself better than he is.
In adolescence, adequate self-esteem is very unstable and unstable: today I am a “beauty queen,” and tomorrow I “feel like an ugly person.” The task of parents at this stage is to be a model of stability, and day after day to repeat to such a teenager that “you are very attractive, sweet, natural, and simply beautiful when you smile, and in general, I always like you and everyone.” To form adequate self-esteem, it is important for a teenager to know that his parents love him, even when he does not love himself.
Test your self-esteem with an exercise
Example of a completed exercise
Take a closer look at the happiness scale - how the child feels. You can ask: “What needs to happen for happiness to increase, at least by one division? What is going to happen?". If the child answers this question “to buy a console or a tablet,” then everything is fine, you can sleep peacefully. If the child answers “so that mom and dad stop fighting,” then I’m waiting for you to see me.
Whether a child will achieve success in life in the future or not directly depends on the level of his self-esteem, which is laid in early childhood. A key role in its formation is played by parents and the family environment as a whole, and at a later age the child’s environment influences the perception of oneself. What is self-esteem? This is an awareness of the importance of oneself, the ability to adequately assess one’s own qualities, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. How to develop the right attitude towards yourself in children and why is this important?
Healthy self-esteem is the key to success
Achieving a balance between low and high self-esteem when raising a child is not easy. A child develops a healthy self-perception gradually if he grows up in a favorable atmosphere. A strong family, where everyone treats each other with respect, provides support, sincerely expresses their feelings, where the baby feels protected - these are the right conditions for the development of healthy self-esteem in a child.
Children with inflated self-perception often aggressive, prone to manipulating others. They consider themselves and their interests above others. They find it difficult to accept defeat or accept their parents' refusal to comply with their demands.
Low self-esteem in children it manifests itself differently - such children tend to seclude themselves, they are not confident in themselves, in the correctness of their actions and in achieving their goals. They are constantly expecting the worst - that they will not be noticed, offended, not listened to, not accepted. These children do not notice their own successes or consider them insignificant.
A child with both low and high self-esteem will have to face difficulties that will certainly manifest themselves in finding friends, a marriage partner, work and other areas of life. That is why it is important from an early age to teach your son or daughter to correctly evaluate and perceive himself as an individual.
Adequate self-esteem will allow the child to become honest, fair to himself and others, responsible, compassionate and loving. Such a person knows how to admit his mistakes, as well as forgive the mistakes of others. He is able to bring things to an end and take responsibility for decisions made.
How important is praise and encouragement?
The importance of approval was mentioned in the Bible, where it is said that praise gives inspiration. These words are still relevant today - in order to develop adequate self-perception, a child needs to be praised and encouraged. When you notice that your child has completed a task or acquired a new skill, immediately praise him for his success. A kind word spoken at the right time will encourage the baby to strive to win even more approval from adults.
The opposite rule also applies here - a child who does not receive praise for a good deed or achievement may lose interest in good deeds. If parents constantly ignore or take the child’s successes for granted, the baby will begin to attract their attention to himself in another way - through pampering and aggression.
It is important to learn how to properly encourage children without going too far. Exaggerated or contrived praise can harm the baby - why put in the effort if mom and dad will express their approval anyway? When is praise inappropriate?
- Out of pity for the baby;
- If a child appropriates someone else’s achievements;
- Out of a desire to ingratiate yourself with the baby;
- They are not praised for their natural beauty and health.
Each person has different abilities and talents that can manifest themselves unexpectedly. In order to identify them and be able to develop them, it is necessary to encourage the baby to try himself in different types of activities.
Let the baby sing, draw, dance or build, do not pull him down, but encourage him. Never tell your children that they can't become a great dancer or musician. By doing this, you will only achieve that the child will stop even trying something new, and his self-esteem will decrease.
Note to moms!
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Several ways to increase children's self-esteem
The conviction that your parents believe in your strengths and abilities will help your child overcome fears and achieve goals. Praise your baby in advance, showing and proving that you do not doubt him. How to do it? Tell him that he will definitely be able to recite the poem without hesitation, he will be able to do a certain job. Say these words without a shadow of a doubt, this will inspire the child and give him strength.
Praising a child in the morning is an advance for the whole long and difficult day. Praise him for what will happen, instill in him faith in himself and his strengths: “You will tell the rule!”, “You will win the competition,” “You will try,” “I believe in you,” etc.
Another way to increase children's self-esteem is to be interested in their opinions and ask for advice. in some matter. When you receive a recommendation from your son or daughter, follow it, even if you think otherwise. This is important, as it will allow you to achieve your goal - it will help children to assert themselves. Don’t be afraid to show your weakness, don’t hide your own failures, but admit them, then children will understand that adults don’t always succeed in everything the first time. Ask your child for help- this technique is especially good in relations between mother and son; it will create favorable conditions for nurturing masculine qualities in a boy.
Should children be punished?
Punishment and reproach are an important part of educational work, without which it is impossible to develop healthy self-esteem. It makes it possible to realize your own mistakes and learn to correct mistakes. What do parents need to know when using disciplinary measures?
- Punishment should not be accompanied by physical or psychological harm to the child (Read also: why you should not beat children -);
- Reproach is a loving measure; do not deprive your child of affection and care when he has done something wrong (Read also:);
- You cannot take gifts from children - this is a prohibited technique;
- When in doubt whether to punish an offense, do not do it;
- Forgive and forget old mistakes and misdeeds, do not reproach your children with them and do not remind them of them;
- Punishment should not be humiliating.
It is worth mentioning cases when educational measures should be postponed or even abandoned from punishing a child:
- When the baby is sick.
- If your daughter or son is afraid.
- After recently suffering psychological trauma.
- If the baby makes an effort, but he fails to achieve results.
- When you are angry or very irritated.
To normalize high self-esteem, teach your child:
- Listen to the opinions and advice of others;
- Respect the feelings and wishes of others;
- Treat criticism with dignity.
How to help children learn to evaluate themselves correctly?
Reasonable use of punishment and reward will help father and mother find that golden mean in raising children and develop an adequate attitude towards themselves. The example of parents will become the cornerstone in the development of a harmonious personality of children. Both kids and teenagers must understand that mom and dad are ordinary people who are not immune to mistakes. If you can't bake a cake or get a curtain rod straight, admit it. This behavior will form adequate self-esteem in the younger generation.
To develop adequate self-esteem:
- Do not protect your child from everyday activities. Don't solve all the problems for him, but don't overload him either. Set feasible tasks so that he can feel skillful and useful.
- Don't overpraise your child, but don't forget to reward him when he deserves it.
- Praise any initiative.
- Show by example an adequate attitude towards successes and failures: “My pie didn’t turn out... well, that’s okay, I know what the reason is! Next time I will put more flour."
- Never compare with other children. Compare with yourself: who he was yesterday and who he has become today.
- Scold only for specific offenses, and not in general.
- Analyze failures together, drawing the right conclusions. Tell him a similar example from your life and how you dealt with it.
Common interests, joint games and activities, sincere communication - this is what children need to feel important and learn to value and respect themselves and others.
Personal experience
If your child is unsure of himself, shy, afraid to approach strangers, afraid to meet other children, anxious. This video provides recommendations on how to raise a child’s self-esteem, methods for increasing self-confidence, and games to overcome shyness:
