Parents want the best for their baby. Therefore, they try to provide him with everything necessary, give him their love, attention, care. But often maternal and paternal love blinds and pushes parents to make mistakes that hinder the natural process of child development. What can harm a baby's development? Let's look at common mistakes parents make that harm their children.
1. Independent decision making.
You can often hear phrases from parents in the following style: “I’m a mother, I know better what my child needs!” And this is true, because who, if not parents, knows the needs and characteristics of their baby. But, after all, the essence of education is not only to create ideal conditions for him in which he will be comfortable and safe. It is necessary to gradually teach him to make decisions himself and understand their consequences. Therefore, from a young age you need to trust your child to make decisions, even if they are not very important. Ask your child what he wants to wear for a walk today? What fairy tale does he want to read? Sometimes, you need to allow your child to make mistakes so that he can learn to make his own decisions. In families where parents do not provide such an opportunity, children grow up infantile and dependent on them. This definitely slows down their development and prevents them from becoming independent.
2. Anticipating desires.
Firstly, it inhibits the development of speech and skills to express one’s needs. Mothers of babies under one year old are forced to guess the needs of the baby. But, closer to his first birthday, the child is quite capable of, if not saying, but at least showing what he wants and what he needs. At this age, requiring the baby to say what he needs can stimulate speech development. If mothers continue to try to determine on their own what the child expects from them, the developmental situation can be sad. There is an old joke about this, which tells the story of a mute son who suddenly spoke at the age of 6. The boy asked to pass the salt at the dinner table, and everyone was happy, they say, he finally spoke. To which the boy replied, everything was just always fine before. So it is with children, whose mothers anticipate their needs and desires in advance, and simply do not have the incentive to develop speech and communication skills.
3. Thousands of prohibitions.
A very dangerous mistake that can ruin a child’s interest in developing and learning about the world around him. When at every step a child stumbles upon a strict “no”, this gradually destroys interest and curiosity in the world around him, which slows down development. How to solve this problem? It’s very simple - you need to create the safest possible conditions for the child, where he can do everything, and set no more than 2-3 prohibitions, be sure to justify them. In such conditions, children become independent faster, and their research interest is also stimulated.
4. Tight control.
Most often, parents strictly control their not quite scarlet children - preschoolers and schoolchildren. If every time a child sits down to do homework, he is expected to be strictly checked, he does not learn independence and take responsibility for his actions and mistakes. Excessive rigor and tight control suppress initiative, and when used regularly, negatively affect the emotional development of the little person’s personality.
5. Lack of discipline.
It can be difficult for an adult to discipline himself, but what can we say about children whose volitional qualities are not so developed. Therefore, lack of discipline does not contribute to development. Absolute freedom of action does not contribute to the development of important qualities in a child - patience, perseverance. Moreover, chaos tires the child. But it is important to understand that the excessive control discussed above is also not beneficial for the child. Therefore, a healthy balance is needed in everything. But, disciplinary rules must be present.
6. Organization of leisure time.
Sometimes parents themselves do not think about the fact that they are harming their child and hindering his development. When they see a bored and whining child, mothers, especially busy ones, immediately find something to do for him, and if it is not suitable, they offer him something else. Of course, this is convenient, and this way you can offer your child something that will be useful for his development. But if you constantly offer ready-made ideas for activities to your child, this will suppress his initiative, creative thinking and independence. Sometimes you need to let your child get bored so that he can learn to occupy himself with something interesting, show initiative and develop independence.
7. Lack and excess of motivation.
A child needs motivation to learn new skills, learn something, explore. In such cases, absolutely everything works - encouragement, reward, verbal praise. When a child lacks this, his development slows down, because he is not motivated for new discoveries and achievements. But the problem also arises when parents praise their child. Such children begin to do something no longer for the sake of interest, but in the name of praise or reward. Over time, addiction develops and self-esteem decreases if there is no praise or reward.
8. Excessive care.
One of the main responsibilities of a child is to take care of his safety. Therefore, it is not surprising that parents try to protect their baby from adversity as much as possible. But, excessive protection does not allow the child to develop and learn to take care of his own safety. For example, if a mother always holds her baby tightly in her arms near the roadway, without explaining why it is dangerous, the baby will not learn to be careful when crossing the road and near it. In addition, excessive caution by parents can become fertile ground for the emergence of fears and the development of phobias in the baby.
9. Isolation from information.
Almost from birth to 3-4 years of age, this is the period when the baby craves any information and grasps it literally on the fly. This is the ideal time to learn letters, numbers, and learn a lot of interesting things about the world around us. But often adults mistakenly believe that due to early development and provision of information, they are “stealing” their child’s childhood. No, this is a big mistake! It is impossible to deprive a child of what he needs most. After all, teaching a child something new and useful is not “taking away childhood,” but, on the contrary, making it more rich and interesting.
10. Ignoring errors.
Let's look at an illustrative example. You can often see this picture - a child draws a clumsy line and says that it is a flower. Adults take a deep breath, praise the baby, and say, “Well done.” And the kid quite sincerely believes that he is a genius artist, which is why he doesn’t even try to draw better. Or another situation - a child forcibly rips out other children’s toys on the playground. The mother automatically takes the baby, simultaneously taking away his toys, and silently takes him away from them. The baby is not yet developed enough to understand such a subtle hint - like, if my mother took me away, it means I did something wrong. It’s not enough to just stop the wrong actions, you also need to explain to the child what needs to be done differently, and why exactly this way and not some other way. When a child makes a mistake, he needs to be told about it. This does not mean that you need to scold at every step, but the child must form a picture in his head of what is good and what is bad. Mistakes stimulate development, and if they are ignored, the child will not have the motivation to develop.
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“Child, 5 years old. We spend 2 damn hours learning the letter “B”, moving on to “B”, and after half an hour he has already forgotten “B”. What kind of stupidity is this? Or see a doctor?
I see posts like this on social networks and hear them regularly on the site. And I can’t remain silent. Not because I'm a child psychologist. Not because he is an experienced teacher. Yes, I’m not even an experienced mother: my child is not even 2 years old! Everything is simpler. I'm that dumb kid myself.
My name is Asya Yavits, I run an honest and funny telegram channel “Everyday life of a bad mother" and especially for readers website I want to speak out in defense of all “stupid” children.
At 7 years old I was reading 32 words per minute, syllable by syllable. At the end of 1st grade, my mother was called to school “to talk.” The day before we had a reading session for the whole parallel: each child had to bring his favorite book and promote it. One girl brought The Little Prince. The main student brought, of course, Jules Verne. And I brought a coloring book. With fairies. There was text there too, by the way! Well, something like “This is the fairy Flora.” Or “Color the fairy Fauna and the fairy Flora. What beautiful dresses they have.” For some reason the teacher didn’t appreciate it.
It wasn't easy for my mom at all. I had to give up confidence in my fantastic abilities for motherhood.
What else can you do when first you have a child who, at 8 months, places chess pieces in squares, at 1.5 months quotes Mandelstam from a stool, and at 2 months reads it independently... but your next child starts walking at 2, and at 5 plays with chess and doll books?
My math was even worse: when my dad, at the end of 3rd grade, tried to explain to me that when moving from one part of an equation to another, the sign changes, then after 3 hours the cornice understood and collapsed. But I survived. My brain did not give in to these logical explanations.
They took me to psychologists, they showed me cards. They also gave me pills. I wasn’t just stupid, I also sucked my thumb until I was 7 years old and pulled my belly button. Psychologists and doctors prescribed medications in batches. Grandfather, a doctor, saw one of these lists and said that this was an excellent recipe for a “psychiatric-style vegetable under drool.” But, he says, he will stop playing with dolls and chess, of course.
What am I talking about? Moreover, I have 2 honors diplomas - from the faculties of economics and philology. In 3rd grade I read better than anyone else in parallel. In the 6th year I took 3rd place in the Mathematical Olympiad of the coolest physics and mathematics school in St. Petersburg. The pills that I regularly threw into the trash helped. How did it all come about? Same. Just when the time came.
Okay, okay, reading is not the best. But definitely without screaming or wearing a belt.
And in the fall, my mother read all sorts of books to me at night herself. But in the evenings, besides reading, she had many more “unimportant” things to do - cook dinner there, put something away, prepare for tomorrow’s lecture. And she began to “not have time” to read to me. By the way, it’s hard to go to bed leaving Tim Thaler crying alone in a dark park. Without knowing what happened next! So I had to finish reading it myself.
Then it wasn’t very cool to listen to the same thing a second time, but not to admit to my mother that I learned to read? At some point, she still caught me doing this shameful activity, but she didn’t stop reading aloud, she just continued now from a different place.
So, if you are the parent of a “stupid” child who, out of spite, does not want to use his brain, I ask, I beg you, don’t touch him. Give him time. A lot of time. Find out his motivation. Find a good teacher. Not the one who will squeeze out all the juice, but the one who will interest you. So much so that the child himself will find the right Olympics and win it.
I believe that your strength is running out, I believe that at that age you were cracking all those “Masha had three apples, and Petya gave her another one.” But if your child doesn’t click them, then maybe he’s just asking other questions? Which Masha are we talking about - the one from the dacha, or the one from the kindergarten? And if this is Masha from kindergarten, then why does she need apples? She doesn't eat them. And in general, why did Petya give her more for no apparent reason? And the banal “how much does anyone have” will begin to worry him later, when the time comes. Or they won’t start - you can also be happy without them, huh?
“Let’s hurry up, otherwise we’ll be late for kindergarten again!”- the mother begs, and the baby continues to hesitate. This problem is familiar to many adults. Someone forces children to finish breakfast or get dressed, urging them on with offensive words and even slaps on the head. Others redo everything themselves, leaving the mess alone. How to help a slow child and an irritated mother?
To choose the right approach to a solution, it is necessary to understand the reasons for this slowness. And they are not always on the surface. The problem is most often noticed by parents in preschool childhood, although the first signs can be tracked already in infancy.
This feature can cause a lag in learning and skill development, low concentration and absent-mindedness, a feeling of guilt due to regular comments and, as a result, neuroses. Therefore, identifying the source of sluggishness should be entrusted to a neurologist, psychologist or pediatrician.
Where does slowness come from?
- Sometimes this occurs against the background of a long illness. After restoration and improvement of immunity, the pace of the child’s activity is restored.
- It can occur due to organic pathology of the brain resulting from an unfavorable pregnancy, difficult childbirth, or the birth of a premature baby.
- Often excessive “inhibition” is just a period of normal development. In the early years (from 1.5 to 3 years), children are characterized by imperfect fine motor skills. Their fingers cannot cope with buttoning buttons or tying shoelaces.
- Retraining left-handed people to become right-handed is also on the list of factors that help slow down the flow of mental processes.
- A phlegmatic person is a classic example of a hoarder. He does not tolerate haste, is reasonable and thorough. Does not like innovations, chooses proven and familiar techniques. Waking up and getting ready becomes a real challenge for adults.
- A decrease in overall activity is often associated with a stressful situation - moving, divorce, transfer to a new educational institution, domestic conflicts. The child's psyche simply cannot cope with the increased load.
- Slowness is another form of manipulation by adults in a family with an authoritarian type of upbringing, strict requirements, strict punishments and continuous control. In this way, the child secretly protests against numerous instructions and orders.
So, to change the situation for the better, in some cases it is enough to improve relations between household members, wait until he grows up, or carry out vitamin therapy to promote a speedy recovery. Now let's discuss what to do if the baby is leisurely by nature, and this is in no way connected with upbringing in the family.
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What do we have to do?
- Buy an hourglass that clearly shows how time is passing. Encourage your child to get dressed or eat until the sand runs out. With the help of such a device, he will independently learn to monitor the speed of his actions and will try to finish all his tasks as quickly as possible.
- Sometimes a son or daughter falls into a stupor because of the difficulty in switching to another activity. Give them some time to prepare: “Play with the construction set for five more minutes, and then we’ll have dinner and brush our teeth.” The warning will prepare them for the next task.
- Most children feel calmer if they have a clear daily routine. For preschoolers who cannot yet read, it is useful to have a schedule with photographs that will show the sequence of actions: washing, dressing, breakfast, etc. This way you can significantly reduce the number of reminders, and the child will feel more confident.
- Develop the mobility of the nervous system through daily work. This could be running, finger gymnastics, cycling, exercises with a skipping rope. For greater effect, switch from a slow rhythm of exercise to a fast one.
- Pay special attention to the adaptation stages in educational institutions, because such children have an inherent fear of everything unknown. Be sure to tell teachers about the psychological qualities of your future student.
- Planning is one of the best methods of dealing with the sluggishness of the baby and your irritation. If a student's morning routine seems to take half the day, prepare his clothes in the evening and make sure his backpack is packed and waiting at the door. Reduce the chaos and your emotional state will also return to normal.
- Set clear time limits for your student to engage in certain activities. For example: “Dima, you have 20 minutes to have lunch.” After 15 minutes, gently remind them that the meal will end soon.
- If a child has difficulty getting to school and is unable to master the educational material, you should help him at home. Analyze and repeat everything he goes through in class. Better yet, move forward on several topics to keep up with the teacher’s thoughts.
- Constantly provide slow-moving children with unobtrusive support, showing genuine interest. They are very often unsure of their own skills and strengths, and also feel guilty for their slowness.
What not to do?
- Do not give offensive nicknames. The phrases “moon”, “gimp”, “send for death” hurt your child. Treat him as if he already does almost everything on time (or at least tries).
- Never compare slow kids with their more active peers. Draw an analogy with their past results: “Now you eat much faster!”
- Refrain from participating in competitive games. Believe me, this will not bring good luck to the little one, because he painfully experiences any failure.
- Firmly understand that slowness is not a fault, but a characteristic of a little man, so shouts, and especially punches, will not speed up his actions.
However, you should not think that a leisurely child will grow up to be a loser. Remember about age compensation and that you can help him adapt to the frantic rhythm of the world around him. And psychologists say that it is precisely from phlegmatic crumbs that calm and purposeful people most often emerge.
Why are some children slow?
Quite often, poor students are far from stupid children. A smart girl and a smart boy bring bad grades every now and then. Let's try to understand the reasons why a child does not study well. Let's consider all the options. Poor academic performance from the very beginning of school life, or in high school.
Heightened self-esteem. Most often, when a child is used to easily getting everything he wants, it is difficult for him to understand and accept the need to work on his own to get results.
At home they praise him and admire the very fact of his existence. There will be no such attitude at school. The child gets into a pose and refuses to study.
Solution: you need to stop showering your child with gifts and praising him only in words. The child must understand that parents are senior leaders and educators, and not an eternal source of material wealth.
Ratings only. When parents are only interested in the numbers in the diary and notebooks, and not in the inner world of the heir. In our daily rush, we often simply don’t have time or don’t want (we have no strength left) to hug the baby and ask about friends, mood or failures. Just marks, marks, marks.
Good grades - mom will pat you on the head and run to the kitchen. Dad may not talk about school at all. But in vain. After all, children spend their entire lives among their peers and teachers. And it’s not always joyful and without conflicts. So the child begins to try with bad grades to draw the attention of his family to his internal experiences and, perhaps, problems.
Solution: Start spending more time. Take walks together, play board games and read. Go to the park, to the skating rink, to the cinema. Talk, but don’t use the words “grades” or “school”. Share your memories of childhood and friends. Tell us what games you played, what movies you watched, and how you resolved conflicts. The child will get involved in the conversation and feel that you are concerned not only about the fact that he is a poor student, but also about his state of mind.
Excessive demands. If parents expect more from their children than what they are capable of and make excessive demands, the child begins to be afraid to make decisions on his own, fearing criticism and the anger of elders. Such children prefer to remain silent in lessons and not participate in the educational process.
Solution. If you notice this behavior in your child, change your style of communication with him. In order for a student to believe in his abilities, praise him for his efforts, diligence in doing his homework, and for his initiative. Let the child understand that independence is cool and pleasant. Create a daily routine and help organize your free time. Sports sections teach discipline and independence very well. Enroll your child at his request, support him in his efforts and praise him for his success.
The student is not interested in studying. Children are pragmatists and do not understand why accumulate knowledge that is not yet known whether it will ever be necessary to apply it.
Try to find an activity your student enjoys where they can see science in action. Go around all the clubs that exist at school or at your nearest children's club. Young chemist, cook, designer, physicist. Modeling, knitting, programming circle. Knowledge of mathematics, physics and other skills acquired in class will be useful.
Lack of rivalry. A child does not learn well if he does not have incentive. When a child leader sees that his efforts and high performance are poorly encouraged by teachers and not sufficiently appreciated by his classmates, he loses all desire to learn.
Exit. Encourage an ambitious student to participate in extracurricular activities. Let him show leadership qualities in the role of headman. Ask the teacher to give the child responsible assignments, to involve him in participation in competitions and olympiads.
If you cannot come to an agreement with the class teacher, transfer your child to a class or school with stronger students, where he will be able to communicate on equal terms with his peers.
Excessive study loads. When parents set a too busy schedule of classes and sections for their children, they get tired. And in middle school and high school, when the authority of parents decreases, the child may rebel and abandon his studies.
To correct the situation, it will be necessary to reduce the load on additional extracurricular activities. Listen to the heir. Adolescence and health problems can unsettle a teenager for a long time, or forever. Allow him on weekends or even sometimes skip Saturday classes to be with you. Praise more for efforts in the subject that the child likes. Gradually, he will develop a desire to receive praise in other subjects.
Why do smart children study poorly? I think you have received the main answers to your questions. And none of our children are slowdowns. If our heirs have problems with their studies, then only we can help them cope with their difficulties.
Remember yourself more often at school age and love children unconditionally. Childhood will fly by quickly, make it happy.
